44 LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 44 YEARS
44 LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 44 YEARS
Today marks my 44th trip around the sun. I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger than ever. That's not to say that I have things figured out yet. I am still but a novice at this thing called life.
I must admit, I have learned more in my last 4 years than in the 40 before that. Here are 44 lessons I have picked up that have landed with me and stuck:
1.Life is a dance: Alan Watts explained that life should be enjoyed like a dance, with each moment cherished and appreciated rather than focusing on reaching a final destination. Check out this video clip from Afterskool.
2. Discipline equals freedom: Embracing Jocko Willink's philosophy, you create opportunities for greater freedom and autonomy by being disciplined in various aspects of life.
3. Your mind is a great tool but a terrible master: Use it to your advantage, but don't let it control you, as negative thoughts and overthinking can be detrimental. We have also stopped listening to our bodily intuition. This was emphasised to me after my vision quest,
4. There is no they or them—only us and we: Recognise the interconnectedness of all people and focus on unity rather than division. How much division has been pushed on us by governments and media in the last few years? Once we see ourselves in each other, this stops. We are all humans.
5. Some things will never be known, and that's ok: Accept that there will always be mysteries and unanswered questions, and embrace the unknown. My vision quest was a powerful spiritual experience that left me with more questions than answers. I have to be at peace with never knowing the answer to most of them. This is a work in progress. I’ll let you know how it goes :)
6. You need people in your life who want the best for you: Surround yourself with supportive and encouraging individuals who genuinely care about your well-being. I am blessed to have amazing people who care about me and help me work through challenges.
7. Misery loves company: Be aware that negative emotions can be contagious, so choose your company wisely and avoid situations that perpetuate negativity. Also, be mindful that this is a mirror for some people who won't like it when you are trying to make a positive change in your life. As a result, they will try to bring you down or belittle your quest for change.
8. Vulnerability is a superpower: By being open about your feelings and experiences, you can foster deeper connections and empower others to do the same. My men's group has helped me understand this, and I am forever thankful to the wonderful men I get to share this with.
9. We are all sitting with trauma, which needs to be moved: Acknowledge your traumas and work through them to heal and move forward. For me, breathwork therapy has helped move the stored energy from various traumas in my life. I am blessed to have worked with Zoran over the years.
10. Don't be a victim: Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of your life, take control and make changes to improve your situation. Jordan Peterson nails this in his lectures and talks.
11. The power of presence: Being fully present in the moment allows you to experience life more deeply and respond to situations more effectively. I am on my 4th listen of Eckhart Tolle’s - The Power Of Now.
12. Any action is better than no action: Taking action, even small, is better than remaining stagnant, as it creates momentum and progress toward your goals. Another gem from Eckhart - The Power Of Now.
13. You are not that important: Remember that you are just one person in a vast world, and this perspective can help you stay grounded and humble. One of the many gems from Steph Bidulph’s - Manhood book. This should be mandatory reading for ALL men!
14. You will die one day: Acknowledge your mortality, and let it inspire you to live fully and make the most of your time. Another gem from manhood. Once you realise you will die one day, it shifts your perspective on the things that matter to you.
15. Everything in the universe is cyclical: Recognise the cyclical nature of life and find comfort in the constant changes and transitions. 4 days sitting in nature with a tarp and water helped me embody this. I had always understood it mentally, but once you live as part of nature, you understand that everything moves in cycles.
16. When you judge another person, you do not define them. You define yourself as someone who judges: Judging others reflects more on you than on the person being judged, so be mindful of your judgments. How much judgment did we see through the covid fiasco? I was guilty of it myself. This nugget from Wayne Dyers - Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, has stuck with me since I first read it.
17. Peace and happiness are the nature of your being, and you share that being with everyone and everything: Embrace your inner peace and happiness, and share it with others through your actions and presence. A conversation with a random passerby on a bushwalk led me to this line from Rupert Spira. He sums up thousands of years of spiritual teaching in one sentence.
18. You have nothing to fear but fear itself: Recognise that fear is often the only obstacle holding you back from living your fullest life. My quest brought this to life for me. So many fears created in my mind have held me back over the years.
19. Embrace discomfort: Challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to personal growth and development. A good start is this amazing book, the Comfort Crisis. It goes into great detail that, as humans, we are moving further away from discomfort, making us weak.
20. Be honest with yourself: Recognizing and acknowledging your true thoughts, feelings, and actions is crucial for self-improvement and personal growth. As Paul Ckek has said countless times on his podcast, if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with?
21. First and foremost, I am a father: Remember the importance of your role as a parent and prioritise your children's well-being above all else. One of the dads on my vision quest said this line, which has stuck with me. Imagine a world in the future if we prioritise parenting over all else. Your kids don't care about possessions or things. They need your presence, love and guidance.
22. There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom: Knowledge is accumulated information, while wisdom is the ability to apply that knowledge effectively and make sound judgments. Your body also has a deep generational wisdom that the noise of modern life has drowned out.
23. Your time is precious: Use your time wisely and invest it in activities that align with your values and priorities. I have realised I will never get any of my time back, so if it is not a HELL YES!, it's a no.
24. You are the sum of your habits: Your habits shape your life, so be mindful of them and cultivate positive ones that support your goals. James Clears book helped me embrace this, which is weird as I had been helping my clients with this for years but not doing it myself.
25. You can love someone, but you don't have to like them: More wisdom from Paul Chek here. You can love all people as your fellow beings, but you don't have to like everyone. Nor should you.
26. Be kind to yourself: Practice self-compassion, recognise your worth and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer others. My self-talk was very negative until recently. I can thank my men's group again for this change in myself.
27. Listening is a superpower: Active listening enables you to understand others more effectively, fostering stronger relationships and connections. Listening is a full-body experience, not just done with your ears.
28. Your body always knows: Pay attention to your body's signals and intuition, as it can provide valuable insights into your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. More from Steve Bidduplh. This time from his amazing book - Fully Human. Your body will always give you the right clues, but we mostly fail to listen.
29. There is no such thing as work-life balance: Instead of striving for a perfect balance, focus on creating harmony between your work, personal life, and well-being. I like to think of them as three dials. Health, Work and Homelife. You cannot always have all three dials turned up to full. Be ok with this and turn up different dials at different times.
30. Learn to accept criticism: Embrace constructive feedback as an opportunity for growth rather than taking it personally. This is tough for me. My ego doesn't like to be wrong or look silly. But with good people who can give feedback well and lots of practice, I feel I have started to improve here.
31. Masculinity is not toxic: Recognise the positive aspects of masculinity and avoid perpetuating stereotypes that label all masculine traits as harmful. Everything in the universe has a masculine and feminine. This nonsense that masculinity is toxic needs to stop. Yes, there are always things that are not acceptable, but without the balance of masculine and feminine, our universe would not exist.
32. Stay true to your values: Base your decisions on your core beliefs and principles, even when faced with challenges or pressure from others. Dr Demartini’s book - The Values Factor, really help me figure out what my core values are. And also made me realise that these values are mine and not anyone else's. My wife, kids, family or friends. So sometimes they won't be in alignment, and that's ok.
33. The words should and need to give power to an external authority, not your values: Be mindful of your language and focus on your values rather than external expectations. When I use those words, I catch myself giving authority away over my values. Should to who, I ask myself?
34. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power: Choose to communicate assertively and constructively rather than dwelling on negativity and disempowerment.
35. Stillness is key: Incorporate moments of stillness and silence into your life to foster clarity, relaxation, and reflection. Even if it's only a minute or two in the chaos of parenting, it makes a difference. I have to do this daily with how mental my house can be sometimes.
36. Sleep is the most important thing in my health pyramid: Prioritise sleep as a crucial component of your overall well-being, as it affects both physical and mental health. I wore not sleeping as a badge of honour for years. I was also very unhealthy and unhappy.
37. We need to play more: Engage in play and lighthearted activities to cultivate joy, creativity, and relaxation in your life. My kids help me play more. Life has gotten too serious, making you wonder when we stopped playing.
38. You cannot change anyone else. Nor should you try to: Focus on your personal growth and respect the autonomy of others, allowing them to change at their own pace. Being a control freak, I find this hard, but learning to love and respect others' journeys is liberating.
39. Without polarity, we would not exist: Embrace the dualities and contrasts in life, as they create the richness and complexity of our experiences. Without having, there is no love. Without darkness, there is no light. There is polarity everywhere. Even our ego experiencing itself is a form of polarity. It gets used as a weapon by media and governments, though. Rise above it. Except that all things have polarity, and accept it without judgment.
40. Take responsibility for your actions: Acknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and use the lessons to grow and improve. It's always your fault. I lived most of my life blaming others for my shortcomings and situations. Once I realised my actions were all on me, things shifted for me.
41. Consistency is key: Maintain a steady, disciplined approach to fitness, nutrition, and personal growth to achieve meaningful progress. Things take time. Be patient. There are no bloody shortcuts. Do the work, and over time, you will see the results.
42. Developing deep connections is important: Foster meaningful relationships with family and friends to create a strong support system and enrich your life. I had very superficial relationships at one stage in my adult life. The last few years have shown me how important these deep connections are to our being.
43. What you are looking for is what is looking: Recognise that the answers you seek often lie within yourself, and self-reflection can provide valuable insights. Paul Chek with the goods again. I am always trying to fill a void or feeling of lack. Some people are searching for GOD, the universe, and happiness. It doesn't matter what it is. It is already inside you.
44. Do more of what makes you happy: Prioritise activities and pursuits that bring you joy, fulfilment, and a sense of purpose in life. Why do we work our lives doing things we hate to have more stuff? Going without a few things and luxuries is tough, but doing things that fill your emotional cup are very important. No one ever wishes they worked more on their deathbed.